Independent funeral director Beccy Edgar is reimagining how we say farewell, offering choice and creativity – and helping to open up conversations on one of our greatest cultural taboos. Fiona Stubbs visits Grave Expectations
It’s the subject that many of us shy away from …
Talking about death often causes discomfort, even anxiety – a primal fear for our own mortality.
Beccy Edgar, however, is changing the narrative with a gentler, more holistic, approach to funeral provision and the way we care for both the deceased and their loved ones.
This is evident from you moment you step over the threshold of Grave Expectations, based at The Old Printing Works at Holt Lane, Matlock
It’s warm, welcoming and comforting – and far from sombre. A brightly coloured tartan coffin immediately catches the eye while decorative urns look stylish against a sophisticated floral wall.
“We want to deal with death differently and give people a greater choice than traditional provision,” says Beccy. “Grave Expectations is about compassionate, bespoke funeral care.
“There are all sorts of things you can do to give people a beautiful send off. You can have services in pubs, in the outdoors. They don’t have to be tied to a crematorium or graveside. A lot of people no longer want the crematorium experience; 80% of funerals are still cremations but one in five are direct cremations, which are unattended.
“Weddings have become really bespoke … so why not funerals? We know that navigating funeral arrangements can be overwhelming and we believe that every farewell should be as unique as the individual it honours.
“I have spent the last year building up a network and now have a community of independent suppliers and small businesses.”
These include providers of urns and personal memorials as well as coffins. Woven coffins from English willow are grown in Somerset and made in workshops in Sheffield and Devon. Families can help to weave a coffin.
And, of course, there’s the Harris tweed option, too. “I love tweed,” says Beccy. “There’s some Scottish blood in our family and we’ve got our own clan tartan. The Grave Expectations tweed is in our brand colours of orange and green.”
Grave Expectations is also launching a partnership with York-based Mindful Memorials, offering bespoke headstone designs and ashes options, and working with Beccy’s friend, designer Katy Raywood.
Beccy has worked in the funeral industry for many years, initially as a funeral arranger for a large company and later at the Woodland Burial Company at Granville’s Wood, Walton where she met independent funeral directors and learned more about sustainability and different funeral options.
“I trained traditionally but the woodland burials gave me a deep passion for sustainable and holistic funeral practices,” she recalls. “It also grew out of my own experiences of losing both my brother and my best friend.”
A visit to the National Funeral Exhibition helped to shape Beccy’s vision for Grave Expectations. “It’s like Grand Designs for the funeral industry,” she smiles. “That visit showed us how corporate the industry was. It was one of the factors that made us want to do things differently and offer gentler, more sustainable options by working with some smaller suppliers.
“So often people feel limited and that they have to have a certain type of coffin or funeral service.”
Part of the challenge is our general reluctance to talk about death. “There’s a disconnect between end of life care and funeral care,” says Beccy. “But we’re trying to open things up, to enable people to ask questions.
“We believe in the power of choice, helping families explore all options and supporting them in making decisions that feel right for them. There are all sorts of things you can do if you just have these conversations. That’s not to say that tradition is wrong, but you have a right to question it and to do things another way.”
Beccy has curated a booklet, called For When I’m Gone, for people to record their wishes – from the practicalities of paperwork to arranging their funeral – and which may help to open up conversations with loved ones.
“Making active choices about the events surrounding their own death can give someone an increased sense of control, letting them choose how they want their life to be celebrated,” says Beccy. “Addressing ‘the elephant in the room’ opens a path to more honest, heartfelt conversations and reduces missed opportunities. It can strengthen bonds and enable meaningful, honest dialogue, letting people say what they want to say and lessening regrets for things left unspoken.
“The more we talk about death, the less scary it gets. In western society, death is a closed thing. But until Victorian times – when funerals became professionalised – women used to look after the deceased person at home and people would visit to pay their respects. Then, in the Victorian era, funeral provision became very much a male environment.
“At Grave Expectations, we look after people in our mortuary and encourage family and friends to visit and to be involved in washing and dressing their loved one, if that’s something they’d like to do. It can be good for the grieving process.”
The period after a funeral is often the loneliest time for those left behind, but Beccy set out to make Grave Expectations a welcoming space where people can return.
She says: “The day after the funeral, it’s, like, ‘time to move on’ and that’s when people start to disappear. We want to offer events and workshops so people can still come to the building and have a coffee.
“We’re looking to run workshops throughout the year, which could include things like mindful stitching, journalling and memory boards.
“We’re trying to invite people into the space. It shouldn’t be a place people are afraid of. I think we ought to be able to talk about death because it’s going to happen to all of us. It’s not morbid. If anything, it can help people to accept it better.”
Grave Expectations have been nominated for the Most Promising Newcomer to the Trade award in The Good Funeral Awards. Winners will be announced in October.
Dying Matters Awareness Week, which this year runs from from 4th to 10th May, is an annual UK campaign to break the stigma around death and bereavement. It encourages people to have open conversations about end-of-life wishes, planning and grief.
As part of Dying Matters week, Grave Expectations will host the following events:
- Macmillan coffee morning
- Willow weaving / death café
- Meet the professionals working in all aspects of the industry, including celebrants, florists, grief counsellors, coffin makers, wills and probate experts and grief counsellors
- Liminal Time Workshop – a death literacy workshop. This is a practical and emotional guide to the strange and tender days between death and the funeral
- Memory board workshop – a creative workshop to make artwork in memory of someone special to you
For more information, visit https://graveexpectations.co.uk/